Elbert Hubbard :
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
William Castle :
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
David Letterman (slightly modified) :
Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.
Chautauqua Boulevard Law :
Just when I finally figure out where it's at, somebody moves it.
Torvald Gahlin :
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Elbert Hubbard (The Roycroft Dictionary Concocted by Ali Baba and the Bunch on Rainy Days) :
Righteous Indignation: Your own wrath as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.
Mark Twain :
A lie can travel halfway around the world will the truth is putting on its shoes.
Clarence Darrow :
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
W.C. Fields :
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Bob Dylan, while reading a newspaper account about himself :
I'm glad I'm not me.
Irving Layton :
Idealist: a cynic in the making
Talesco's Law of Nursing :
There are two kinds of adhesive tape: that which won't stay and that which won't come off.
Mark Twain :
To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times.
Anonymous :
The lost item is always to be found at the next place you would have looked had you not stopped looking.
Anonymous :
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Chisholm's Law of Inevitability :
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Anonymous :
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really understand what's going on.
Rousseau :
The risk is not in what he does not know, but in what he thinks he knows.
Arthur M Schlesinger :
The first rule of democracy is to distrust all leaders who begin to believe their own publicity.
Russell Baker :
There are good reasons why everybody should heed politicians' advise not to believe the media. One of the best is that the media report what politicians say.
George B Pyle :
People in Kansas, like most Americans, have a word for a politician who won't sell his soul to gain a hold power. Loser.
Mark Twain :
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The Devils Dictionary :
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility
Cutler Webster's Law :
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Henry A Kissinger :
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
James Branch Cabell :
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
Abraham Lincoln :
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain :
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain :
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
Robert Lowell :
The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train.
Isaac Assimov :
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Terry Pratchett :
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Jane Wagner :
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Richard Dawkins :
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Robin Williams :
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Joan Rivers :
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield :
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Fred Allen :
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Edward Abbey :
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
Josh Billings :
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Saint Augustine :
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Marceline Cox :
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Norman Wisdom :
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Milton Berle :
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Jerry Lewis :
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jimmy Durante :
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Josh Billings :
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
W.C. Fields :
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields :
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W.C. Fields :
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W.C. Fields :
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
George Bernard Shaw :
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw :
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw :
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
Bob Monkhouse :
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did--in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Oscar Wilde :
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Emo Philips :
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Henny Youngman :
If at first you don't succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Dave Barry :
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Oscar Wilde :
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Anonymous :
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Anonymous :
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Anonymous :
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Jose Maria de Eca de Queiroz :
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Mark Twain :
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.
Rodney Dangerfield :
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Patrick Murray :
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Albert Einstein :
Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.