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Joshua -- Chapter 1

After Moses bit the dust, Joshua, that son of a nun, took over. God said to him, "Moses is dead. With that duffer out of the way you can now go in and take over the promised land. Every place you step I will give you. I will be with you just like I was with Moses."

Joshua stifled an "Oh, crud!" and god contiued. "Be stong and courageous, but be careful to mindlessly follow all my stupid rules. Keep the book of the law with you at all times and read it any time you are tempted to think for yourself."

So Joshua order his officers, "Get ready! We're heading out in three days." Then he reminded the Reubenites, Gadites and Manassites, "Remember, you're going with us. No rest until we've killed all those icky Canaanites!"

"Hey, we're with ya, man! Let's kick their butts!"

Then Joshua, that son of a nun, sent two spies to look over the land, so they immediately went to one of their favorite spots, the house of a prostitute named Rahab. But the king of Jericho was told that they were there and sent a message to Rahab, saying, "Bring out those men. They are spies."

Rahab told them, "Yes, the men were here, but they left. I don't know which way they went." However, she had taken them up on the roof and hidden them underneath stalks of flax. After the men seeking them left she brought the men down. "We have heard what your god did in bringing you out of Egype and what you did to Og and Sihon, and we are afraid because you god is a mean, dirty bastard who loves to kill and destroy. Now, since I have showed kindness to you, promise me you will show kindness to me and my family when you take over.

"You got a deal, honey," they responded. Then she put a rope out to let them out of the city, since her home was on the city wall.

The men said, "If you want us to honor our promise you must bring your family inside and tie this scarlet-colored rope in this window through which you let us down."

The spies hid in the hills for three days until their pursuers stopped looking for them and went back and told Joshua, "Those people are scared shitless of us. Let's go beat the hell out of them!"

So early the next morning Joshua and all the Israelites left Shittim (next to Pissim) and camped by the Jordan. Three days later the officers went through the camp and said, "When you see the ark of the covenant being carried by the priests, follow it. Not too close, though. Keep a thousand cubits behind."

Then he told the people, "Consecrate yourselves. Tomorrow god is going to do some amazing stuff!"

Then he spoke to the priests, "Okay. Get your asses in gear! Take that ark and get moving!"

Then god said to Joshua, "Today I will exalt you before the people so that they will know that I am with you like I was with Moses. When you reach the edge of the Jordan tell the priests who carry the ark to stand in the river."

Then Joshua spoke to the people again. "Okay, folks, listen up! This is how you will know that god is with us and will drive out all those Canaanites, Perizzites and other vile creatures. As soon as the priests set foot in the Jordan its waters will stop and stand up in a heap."

So when the priests came to the water they stepped in and the water of the Jordan stopped flowing and piled up way upstream, near a town called Adam. All of the Israelites then crossed over while the priests stood in the middle of the river.

[4] After they crossed over god said to Joshua, "Now gather twelve stones from where the priests are standing and carry them to where you are staying tonight."

So Joshua told the leaders of the tribes, and they did so and set up a monument with the stones to remind their descendants of what god did there. And the stones are still there to this day, but just try to find them!

So about forty thousand men ready for war crossed over the Jordan, and what god said came true and the people said, "Wow! That Joshua is quite a guy! Mr. god must be with him!"

Then god said to call the priests up out of the river, and the waters started flowing normally again. On the tenth day of the first month, Azzagarothian calendar, the people came up out of the Jordan and camped at Gilgal on the eastern shore of the river, and Joshua, setting up the monument of stones, said, "In the future, when your children ask, 'What do these stones mean?', tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry land.' Then they will know that god is no one to mess with."