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HOLY BOOK OF AZZAGAROTH

I am starting a "new religion", and have started writing the "holy book" to serve as its guide. (You may notice a resemblance to the holy book of an old religion.) WARNING: If you are a seriously religious person, DO NOT READ THIS! (You have been warned!)

I am becoming quite challenged by this project and could use any help that I might get. I have done at least a first draft of all the "narrative" parts of the Bible, and I have samples below that you can read and enjoy. However, the "non-narrative" portions are the more difficult ones, so if anyone has any suggestions of how to handle these I would sure appreciate it. I have posted two samples below exactly as they appear in the Bible (NIV). One is from one of the prophets, Hosea. The other is one of the letters (the shortest one?) of the New Testament. How do I make them funny, entertaining, sarcastic, etc.? Any suggestions are welcome.

Here is part of the fourth chapter of the book of Hosea. How would you rewrite any of it to make it funny, cynical, etc.?

[1] Hear the word of the Lord, you Israelites,
because the Lord has a charge to bring
against you who live in the land:
"There is no faithfulness, no love,
no acknowledgment of God in the land.

[2] There is only cursing, lying and murder,
stealing and adultery;
they break all bounds,
and bloodshed follows bloodshed.

[3] Because of this the land dries up,
and all who live in it waste away;
the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the fish in the sea are swept away.

[4] But let no one bring a charge,
let no one accuse another,
for your people are like those
who bring charges against a priest.

[5] You stumble day and night,
and the prophets stumble with you.
So I will destroy your mother --

[6] my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.

"Because you have rejected knowledge,
I also reject you as my priests;
because you have ignored the law of your God,
I also will ignore your children.

[7] The more priests there were,
the more they sinned against me;
they exchanged their glorious God for something disgraceful.

[8] They feed on the sins of my people
and relish their wickedness.

[9] And it will be: Like people, like priests.
I will punish both of them for their ways
and repay them for their deeds.

[10] "They will eat but not have enough;
they will engage in prostitution but not flourish,
because they have deserted the Lord
to give themselves [11] to prostitution;
old wine and new wine
take away their understanding.

[12] My people consult a wooden idol,
and a diviner's rod speaks to them.
A spirit of prostitution leads them astray;
they are unfaithful to their God.

[13] They sacrifice on the mountaintops
and burn offerings on the hills,
under oak, poplar and terebinth,
where the shade is pleasant.
Therefore your daughters turn to prostitution
and your daughters-in-law to adultery.
alted in that day.

Here is the entire book of 3rd John (the shortest book in the Bible?):

1 The elder,
To my dear friend Gaius, whom I love in the truth.
2 Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well. 3 It gave me great joy when some believers came and testified about your faithfulness to the truth, telling how you continue to walk in it. 4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
5 Dear friend, you are faithful in what you are doing for the brothers and sisters, even though they are strangers to you. 6 They have told the church about your love. Please send them on their way in a manner that honors God. 7 It was for the sake of the Name that they went out, receiving no help from the pagans. 8 We ought therefore to show hospitality to such people so that we may work together for the truth.
9 I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to be first, will not welcome us. 10 So when I come, I will call attention to what he is doing, spreading malicious nonsense about us. Not satisfied with that, he even refuses to welcome other believers. He also stops those who want to do so and puts them out of the church.
11 Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God. 12 Demetrius is well spoken of by everyone -- and even by the truth itself. We also speak well of him, and you know that our testimony is true.
13 I have much to write you, but I do not want to do so with pen and ink. 14 I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face.
Peace to you. The friends here send their greetings. Greet the friends there by name.

Here are some completed chapters you may enjoy

Genesis - Chapter 1
Genesis - Chapter 2
Exodus - Chapter 2
1 Chronicles - Chapter 4

I am making progress with my "holy book", but while you're waiting you can also read this section from a book by Steven Pinker, which is hard to beat if you want a more-honest-than-most-devout-Christians-might-prefer look at the Old Testament!