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Genesis -- Chapter 2

        And god brought all the animals before Adamn so that Adamn could name them, and Adamn named each animal from the smallest little snail up to the huge Tyranasaurus. But of all the animals, there was none to serve as a suitable mate for Adamn. And god did not want to spend all his time entertaining the dimwitted idiot, so god said, "I will make a foolish mate suitable to the bumbling fool." So god grabbed a big log and knocked Adamn over the head, and while he was out he cut open his rib cage, pulled out a rib and shaped it into a curvy humanoid shape.
        When Adamn awoke, grabbing his rib cage in agony, he declared, "What the hell happened?"
        And god said, "I have created a partner for you. She shall be called 'woman', because she is woe to man."
        And Adamn called her name "Eve", and could be frequently heard singing Barry McGuireís "The Eve of Destruction."
        And god said to Adamn, "Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth". And Adamn said, "Will do, boss!" And god said, "No doubt you will."
        And the man and woman were naked and didnít care, because god had made them so dimwitted that they didnít know the difference.
        And it came to pass that god was walking through the garden and bumped into Adamn, and asked him, "How are things going, my dear dimwitted Adamn?"
        Adamn replied, "Well, I hate to complain, god, but the Tyranasaurus keeps invading the garden and trying to eat us, the pterodactyl keeps swooping down and trying to grab Eve by the hair, and the plesiosaurs are driving all the fish away. I hate to be the one to say it, but I think you could have done a better job designing all this."
        God responded, "And how do you know, Adamn, that the plesiosaurs are driving the fish away? Have you been sneaking out of the garden again?"
        And Adamn responded, "We couldnít help it, we were just trying to get away from that damned T. Rex." So god relented and killed off the dinosaurs, and the pterosaurs, and the plesiosaurs, and buried them under layers of dirt and rock, so that future scientists would have something to wonder about.

        [3] Now the snake was more clever than the other animals in the garden, and whatís more, was able to talk. And the snake came to Eve one day as she was walking by the Tree of Knowledge, and spoke to her, saying, "Pretty juicy looking fruit, isnít it?"
        "Yes," responded Eve, "but god said we shouldnít eat the fruit because something terrible will surely happen if we do."
        "And what terrible thing might that be?" asked the snake.
        "Why, then we would no longer be innocent and stupid. We would be like god, and he would no longer be able to control us."
        "And would that be a bad thing?" continued the snake.
        And Eve responded, "You know, Iím tired of being a dunce and an idiot. If Adamn wants to be dumb the rest of his life, thatís up to him. But Iíd like to be smart." And Eve picked a fruit from a tree and ate it. And immediately her eyes were opened and she began to understand that god wasnít such a big shot after all.
        Then she saw her husband, and gave him a piece of the fruit, and he said, "I canít have a woman smarter than I am," and he ate the fruit also. And his eyes were immediately opened, and he saw that the woman was naked, and he said, "Wowsa! This babe doesnít have any clothes on! Look at that T&A!" and he started chasing Eve through the garden, who laughed and shouted back at him, "Becha canít catch me!"
        When god heard all the commotion in the garden he came to check out what was going on. After Eve almost knocked him over running by him, he stopped Adamn and asked, "What is going on here?"
        And Adamn responded, "I saw the woman that she was hot, and I felt horny, so I took after her."
        And god asked, "Who told you that she was hot?" And Adamn responded, "Are you kidding? Just look at those bazookas on her! If thatís not hot, I donít know what is!"
        And god asked, "Adamn, have you eaten of the Tree of Knowledge of which I told you not to eat?"
        And Adamn responded, "Well, god, I thought you knew everything, but since you have to ask, yes, but it was the womanís fault. She ate first, and when I saw that she was then smarter than I was, I couldn't have that. I had to have my share."
        And god turned to the woman and asked, "Why have you done this?"
        And she said, "It was the snakeís fault. I was trying to be a good girl, but he deceived me. The serpent made me do it! The serpent made me do it!"
        So god turned to the snake and said, "Because you have done this, I am really pissed. Therefore you are cursed, and will slither on your belly for the rest of your life. And just to prove how harsh and unfair I am, all your descendants will do the same." And the snakeís arms and legs immediately fell off, and he slithered away sulking. And god furthermore declared, "There will be no more talking by the animals of the forest. Just listening to these two humans jabbering is enough!"
        And god turned to the man and woman and said, "And as for you two, I canít have you running through the garden scaring all the chipmunks and porcupines with your antics." And so god killed, gutted and butchered two innocent animals and used their hides to create clothes to cover their nakedness. "Maybe now you can control your urges and I can get some sleep," god said.
        "Furthermore," god continued, "because Iím pissed at the two of you I am condemning all of the human race to suffering and death. You were created out of the mud, and to the mud you will return. Every month you women are going to go through hell. In pain you shall conceive children, and youíll have to put up with their incessant crying and whining after they are born, not to mention cleaning the shit out of their diapers. And you men are going to have to put up with the womenís constant nagging."
        And Adamn responded, "My punishment is more than I can bear!"
        And god sent them out of the garden, declaring, "No longer will the earth bring forth fruit in a nice garden that you can pick at your leisure. From now on you will have to work and eat of the sweat of your brow. Maybe that will help keep your mind off from whatís under her goatskin!"