Welcome to
Ward's Web Pages
Holy Book
Home Songs Brain Teasers Games & Puzzles Funny Stories Other Stuff Contact Me

Genesis -- Chapter 1

Note: Numbers in brackets represent the corresponding chapters in the Christian Bible, so that you can compare and see how far the previous translators have come from the true word of our god, Azzagaroth!!

        [1] In the beginning god created the heavens and the earth.
        And the earth was a big, round lump of rock. And god said, "Thatís a rather drab piece of rock. Letís jazz it up a bit!" And so god scooped out huge ocean basins and heaved up large mountains. And god said, "Thatís better. Now letís get things moving a bit." So god heated up the inside of the earth until it was molten, and carved up the surface into individual plates and set them in motion crashing into each other, so as to produce earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, and other natural disasters. "Now, when I create living beings, all I have to do is move the plates around a little bit and I can cause them all sorts of grief and havoc. And god laughed and said, "Oh, itís wonderfully devious." And the evening and the morning were the first day.
        And god looked and said, "Everything is so dry!" And so god created water. And he separated the waters above from the waters below. And the waters below he called "oceans", and the waters above he called "clouds". And god said, "I will make my living creatures dependent on this water, but I will fill the vast oceans full of salt so that they will not be able to drink it. Then I will make the clouds to hold back their water when itís needed in order to cause droughts, and give lots of water when itís not needed to cause floods." And god saw what he had done and he was very pleased. "Itís even more wonderful and more devious." And the evening and the morning were the second day.
        And god said, "We need some light on the subject." And so god created two balls of light: a greater light to shine during the day, and a lesser one to shine during the night. The greater light he called the "sun", and the lesser light he called the "moon". And he commanded that the greater light should shine intensely in some places and at some times so as to scorch and oppress his living creatures which he would create, and shine weakly at other times so as to freeze them. Then god said, "That was fun creating lights in the sky, I think I will create some more." And so god created more suns, but placed them so far away in the sky that they would just look like little points of light, and these he called "stars". Then god said, "Wow, creating lights really is fun!" and so god created even more suns, and put them so far away that they could not be seen from the earth just for the hell of it. And the big swarm of stars he called a "galaxy". And getting carried away in his fun, god created more galaxies of suns, and still more galaxies, and even more galaxiesÖ until he had totally lost count. And god stood back and gave a great big huff, and a puff, and blew with all his might, and set the sun, and the moon, and the stars and galaxies in motion revolving around the earth, which, as we know, is the center of the universe. And god was a wicked tired, and said "Iíll get a good nightís sleep tonight!" And the evening and the morning were the third day.
        And waking up late the next day, god said "Well, everything is all set, I guess we can create life now." And so god created every plant that grows up from the ground: the little moss plant, the lowly grass of the field, the Giant Sequoia tree, the beautiful rose, the pesky dandelion, and every other plant that grows out of the ground. And god created the thorns and the thickets, and the poison oak and poison ivy to cause grief to his later creations. And god said, "It is very good, but I am still pooped from yesterday, so any more life will have to wait until tomorrow." And god went to bed early, and the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
        And god woke early the next day and said, "I am refreshed. Now we can liven things up and create some animals." And so god created every beast of the field, and bird in the sky, and fish in the sea. Then god said, "Letís have some big stuff!" And so god created huge lizards as big as bulldozers, and big flying lizards that could pick up a goat, and great swimming lizards to fill the seas. And the land lizards he called "dinosaurs", and the flying lizards he called "pterosaurs", and the swimming lizards he called "plesiosaurs". And god said, "That will keep my people busy dodging those beasts!" And he let out an evil laugh. But god saw that the giant creatures would not cause enough pain and agony to satisfy him, so he created microorganisms such as bacteria and viruses, that would cause disease and sickness. And god saw that it was ever more devious and wonderful, and the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
        And god said, "Iím tired of all these grunting, groaning, growling, and screeching creatures. I want someone I can talk to." And so god took a clump of dirty mud and beat it into shape and made man in his own image. (No one said god was pretty!) But god did not want somebody who could outsmart him, and so he made man to be a dunce and an idiot. And god placed man in a beautiful garden called "Eden", and told him, "I have made you a dunce and an idiot, and I want you to remain that way. Therefore, do not ever eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge which is over at yonder end of the garden, because if you eat of that fruit, you will be as smart as I am, and I will no longer be able to control you. Got it?"
        And the man said, "Got it, boss!"
        And god called the name of the man "Adamn", because, he said, "I have made him a damn fool, and I intend for him to stay that way!" And god saw that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
        [2] And god woke the next morning and said, "Whew, that was a hell of a lot of work, and I havenít even created hell yet! I think Iíll take the day off." And god blessed the seventh day and called it Saturday, because he sat on his ass all day.