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Exodus -- Chapter 2

[3]One day when Moses was tending his father-in-law's flock he came to a mountain called Horeb. All of a sudden he saw a bush on fire. Upon closer inspection he noticed that, although on fire, the bush was not burning up. He stepped closer, wondering about this queer phenomenon, and heard god speaking to him, "Moses, Moses" from the bush.

Moses said, "Yeah. That's me. Who the hell are you?"

"I am the god of your father, and of Abraham and Issac and Jacob."

"Oh my god! Is it really you?"

"Yes, it's really me, Moses. Now listen, I have seen the misery of my people down in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers and I am finally becoming concerned about them."

"Oh, that's good. I was wondering if you were ever gonna pay attention."

"Okay, okay. I'm a little slow. You will be too when you get to be my age. But their cry has finally reached me and I'm going to do something about it. Now listen, I am going to rescue the Israelites from the Egyptians and lead them to a good and spacious land, one flowing with milk and honey, the one that is now home to the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites; you know, all those nasty people. So I am going to send you to Pharaoh to bring my dear children, whom I have forgotten about all these years, out of Egypt.

But Moses said, "But who am I to do this sort of thing?"

And god said, "Okay, Moses. I know you're a piss-ass and spend most of your time playing with yourself, but you killed that Egyptian guy, you know, and I like a guy with gumption like that."

"You know about that?"

"Hey, come on now, Moses, I am god for Christ's sake. Give me some credit!"

"Christ? Who's Christ?"

"Oh, never mind. You're getting way ahead of the story. Just listen to me. When you bring them out of Egypt you will bring them to this holy mountain to worship me."

"Worship you?"

"Yeah. You know, because I'm god. Don't you get it?"

"Oh. Ah-huh. Okay. I guess."

"Any questions?"

"Well, just exactly who are you, this god? When the Isrealites ask me which god has sent me what shall I tell them?"

"I am that I am, Moses. Don't you get it? I am the one! Just tell them I Am has sent you."

"Oh, yeah. That will do it. Right!"

"The god of your fathers, of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, Moses. Come on now, go to the elders of the Israelites and tell them that I have sent you to lead them out of Egypt to a land flowing with milk and honey. You know, the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites like I said.

"Hittites? Perizzites? Hivites? Who are all they?"

"Just a bunch of dirty bastards who are living in the land that I am giving you. Don't worry about them. We'll deal with them when we get there."

"We're going to take their land away?"

"Yes, Moses. We're going to take their land away and give to your people!"

"But what will the Hittites and Hivites and Jubesites do if we kick them off their land? Won't they starve."

"Not if you kill them first, Moses."

"Kill them? You want us to kill them?"

"I'm beginning to think I have chosen the wrong guy for this. Yes, you are going to kill them. That is the way it works. One tribe kills another tribe and takes over their land, and they thank their god for letting them do it. That makes it okay. You get it?"

"Well, I'm not sure."

"You will. You will. Now, go get the elders together and ask Pharaoh to let you go into the wilderness to sacrifice to your god."

"And he'll let us do that."

"No. Of course he won't let you do that. That's where I come in. I will strike the Egyptians with many perils and horrors until he agrees."

"Well, couldn't you just do something nice for him to soften him up and make him feel more cooperative, like maybe send him a bunch of cattle or something."

"Moses, listen. That's not how we gods work. We like to smite things. We send plagues and disasters and pestilences to show you puny humans that we are in charge. If there is no suffering there is no fun in it. Now just go! And don't forget, when they do let you go you are to plunder them for all you're worth. I'll give you more instructions on that later."